Things You'll Never Hear at a Party
by Paul Gilmartin
When you're done throwing up, can you drive me home?
Now who knows how to play some folk guitar?
The overflowing toilet? That was me!
Hey, the kegs dry, but I think weve all had enough.
Listen, I hate to waste time, so who here besides me has herpes?
The neighbors are on the phone. They want to hear some Skynyrd.
Shhh, I can't hear the coked-up guy talking.
I want to hit on her, but she's soooo drunk.
It's just Yahtzee. Put down the gun.
Things Hitler Might Say if He Were Alive Today
by Paul Gilmartin
My right shoulder is killing me.
Pat, I was in Florida and I meant to vote for you.
Does it come with tinted windows?
What are the odds? I invent the Volkswagon and now I
gotta drive one.
We did NOT hold our cigarette like that.
All anybody remembers is the killing. Never the parades.
Eva, would it kill you to straighten up around the bunker?
Come on, put Rocker in.
We were young. We thought we were gonna change the
world.
Is this Falco?
Four billion people on this planet, and I'm still the only one with this moustache
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